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March 11, 2018

I am an Ultimate Junkie…

You know you’re an Ultimate Frisbee Junkie when…

“Must have a good flick” is an important criteria on your e-harmony application.

• You take the “Hat” tournament theme a little too seriously, but your Carmen Miranda hat was sooo Fabulous.

• At work, you insist on being called any of your club nicknames …Slappy, Zip, The Snog or Señor Cojónes.

• You’re disappointed to learn that Mark Twain’s “Huck Finn” is not about the history of Ultimate.

• You start a stall count during boring business meetings.

• You use the back of your disc as a whiteboard.

• You call “picks” while shopping at the supermarket.

• You get fired from your cafeteria job for “push passing” plates on Sloppy-Joe day.

• You named your junk “Hammer Time!”

• You have more than 20 discs in the trunk of your car.

• Just for fun, you flick discs from a 7-story bridge onto passing speed boats.

• Your mating call is “7 on the line!”

• You’re easily convinced to dive from a speed boat to catch discs thrown from 7-story bridge.

• You break Grammy’s fine china recreating your game-winning sky.

• Your friend Chuck Norris insists you play with real hammers.

• Your camping gear consists of a spork, disc, and a beer coozy.

• Your yamaka is a miniature Frisbee with the 10 simple rules embroidered on the inside.

• When you learn about “The Running of the Bulls,” you take your little red disc and invent “Jumping with the Sharks.” Gulp! Sadly, you lasted for only one show.

• You believe that there was a 4th Wise man, “King Tyrone” who was the disc-obsessed, twin brother of Bernie, of the King who brought gold to the Baby Jesus. Tyrone, you propose, brought the gift of aerodynamic plastic to the manger, and that’s why on Christmas day you insist on putting a little Frisbee by the crib and little cleats on the Baby Jesus.

• You prefer “You are my Callahan” rather than “You complete me” when proposing.

• You reluctantly avoid using the words “ho stack, and hard cap” in your wedding vows…but use them liberally during your bachelor party!

• Your china pattern was Discraft.

• You commissioned the bride’s maids dresses to be designed by “5 Ultimate”.

• The guests are divided into lights and darks.

• The ring is delivered via a “dump and swing.”

• You call a force and a stall count when it’s time to throw the bouquet.

• You use your kids baby stroller for flick practice.

• You use the “O” in stop sign for hammer practice.

• You show up to your kid’s soccer game with a stack of Frisbees, and you’re the soccer coach.

• You convince your daughter’s ballet teacher to do their Spring recital on the “Vert offense.”

• After 12 operations for major facial reconstruction and to reattach vital body parts, you finally get-up-the-nerve to audition your new Darwinian Whale act for the Sea World executives.

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